Hours of sleep: 5h30m

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My terrible, exhausting no good very bad day summary !Jaw Update.

My jaw fell back again. And I constantly felt my tongue in the back of my throat all day. I am trying not to worry about it.

I slept late after hearing lovesick deleted her website. It was really … emotionally charged for me. I had a good thing going after finishing my calendar. I often wonder, what if people discover my blog, and associate it with my work? But! That’s why I think I’ll try my best to be anonymous. And I don’t think I am doing anything bad. Most I’ll do is be cringe. It’s not like I’m admitting to crimes.

It was really charged because I had that triggering feeling of being “denied” and having something “taken from me” again. When people used to “bully” me or “ostracize” me or “set boundaries” with me and I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong, or why I was suddenly seen as a threat or untrustworthy or unworthy. For a less intensely painful relation, I also felt sad thinking about the art I loved and admired and I never get to look at again. But mainly, it was the intensely sharp feeling of being a “bad” person and denied something without knowing why.

I think that’s why her taking down the site triggered me so – but I laugh, because if I wasn’t so busy coding my habit tracker yesterday I would’ve gone to bed already. Unfortunately I saw the news on the thread and it was intensely triggering. It felt to me like I was being punished. Right, actually if I didn’t have a brain fog moment, I remembered I actually wanted to say… um… OH! That I have to laugh because these “omg world ending trigger moment” happen ALL THE TIME and with the wisdom of years I learn that things that seem like an intensely big deal turn out to be a nothing burger in the long run, and it only took the experience of years to really see that things to work out in the end, and things that are a big deal in the moment, smooth out over time. Time heals all wounds of course. So although the sharp pain of rejection or ostratization was familiar, I knew it wasn’t a threat…

I feel like I slept better when I blogged, so I need to blog! My suffering MUST be documented!

But anyway, if anyone is here, I was on that thread. And I now download websites I like, art that I like, etc. I’m a digital hoarder. Maybe I’m too poor or NEED minimalism IRL but digitally, I have massive massive massive hoards of screenshots, memes, photos, and stuff like this. I guess… like the Buddha says, attachment leads to suffering… I think I am attached to my digital hoard. Oh well, at least physically it doesn’t take up much more space than that of a harddrive (or two, plus an online backup) Even my own blogs! I downloaded and kept them.

I’m not going to lie, a part of me feels an intense feeling of power and control to be able to read and save things knowing the owner has no control over the fact that I’ve saved it all. OF course it’s best policy for people to assume what they post will be on the internet forever (so don’t post things you don’t feel comfortable living forever) and secondly, save things you want to save cause it can always be taken away. I think that when people put pride and love into their work, they almost want it to be stolen or pirated. So that even when it becomes abandonware, the fans are still keeping it up. Maybe a part of them knows and wants it to be archived.

You know, I’m just going to blame it on being abandoned as a child. But, a lot of us were. I know there are some bad agents out there, stalkers and malicious people, who could be reading my blog out of hate! I don’t want to live that paranoidly though, and if they know some information about me… who cares?! I don’t think I’ve done anything reprehensible enough to warrant damaging my life – and if that does happen… well, I’ll deal with it.

My day was pretty terrible but I’ll update about that in a bit, I think this is a good segue into the thought I wanted to write yesterday. Which was that… I think being rich isn’t a guarantee you won’t be canceled. Rich people could get sued, get sick, get into a car accident. Even being rich, even “someday I’ll be rich and I’ll make the art I want to make without fear of being canceled” BABES.

It's always one limitation after another, innit? “I’ll become a good artist someday… when…” When I graduate? When I’m healthy? THE TIME IS NOW. Especially if my health condition is terminal. I think nothing has made me work harder. “work” harder than thinking “what if I really do die on the table next year?” Things are getting worse. I always think that when I have a bad sleep day… I need to just cope with it…

I made my Calendar and I was appreciated. Again, I don’t want to get swayed by positive attention too much, but it felt immensely good to contribute something. I feel ilke I’m typing super fast because “I should be asleep” but I’m so so so stressed out by possibly choking in my sleep again, that I don’t want to sleep.

I need to make my calendar because I feel like bit by bit I am accomplishing the things I said I would do - making a blog, making an art gallery, making a website, making a habit tracker, drawing this and that. I think it gives me faith that I will do what I said I would do.

Lastly, I don’t know if future me will even remember this, but after that intensely painful feeling of being ignored, I realized – oh wait, maybe people are still under the impression that I am a man, and men are typically ignored. And I really wanted to jot this thought down:

While women automatically get more attention on the internet – they also feel more judgement and scrutiny because of that.

While men have to “earn” attention and typically get like way less, way way less – the plus side is that they get ignored for doing “cancellable shit” while a woman could sneeze and be arrested.

Thinking about “a different way to think about the problem” instead of my old beliefs, “I must be ignored because I’m not good enough in some way” was very cheery.

This whole “deleted her site while a stalker archived it” thing makes me think… shit… I’m having so many brain farts it’s kind of scary… oh well. I push on. It’s amazing how much development I’ve been able to get done despite having such severe brain fog and insomnia…

But um…

Oh!

I remember now. That feeling like you can’t trust people and you’re being watched and everyone is out to steal your art (I don’t relate to the last part) IS ACTUALLY VERY EGOTISTICAL and thinking very highly of yourself!

I think a certain group of people… are very afraid of having things stolen from. Let’s just say, there are SOME ARTISTS that are very afraid of having their stuff stolen from. Then it happens to them! And they bitch about “waaah someone stole my stuff”

Well first of all, if you put it on the internet, prepare to get it stolen. That’s why I will not be posting my concept or WIP until it is completed.

Second, you’ve manifested it! You are so afraid that someone will steal it, that your idea is steal-worthy (which is good in a way, thinking highly of yourself and putting love and energy and effort into your work) you’ve attracked an audience who will steal it. But wait, people will say, isn’t manifestation victim blaming?

No, because the way I have done my calendar and the way I present my art to the world – I don’t get stolen from. First, I think if someone is inspired by my work – GOOD! If someone took joy and wanted to keep it for themselves – WOW! And I WANT to share my work, I want people to benefit from my work. Second, I don’t show things I don’t want to be “stolen.” And most stealing is a form of appreciation imo. It’s not like physically endangering my livelihood (as long as I can eat and have a roof over my head – I’m good.) It’s so crazy how worked up we used to be, being afraid of being stolen from. But anyway, with an attitude like this, I feel like I’m ready to be a big time star. Like, do you think fanfiction is “stealing” George Lucas’ work? Or is it free advertisement? Trust. If there are fans, they will find the original.

So with this kind of mindset, you see why I “never get stolen from” while someone else is always afraid and “always ends up being stolen from waaah poor me! I am just SO GOOD at art that people want to TAKE IT from me!” Bitch where. How can you TAKE art? It’s not like they stole the ability to make art from you

“Yes they did! Now I’m so scared to post art because they’ll steal from me again!”

Bro. remember it’s a compliment to be stolen from. And if you really do want to make money off your art, you should release it in a way where you can make money off of it… otherwise… it’s ludicrous to….

Oh speaking of, I want to make some video essays about how I would coach some people through their fears. But maybe it’s like, the traumatized people give the best advice bc they wish they would take it, so maybe I have no right to give advice. But yeah, I think it’s not a big deal and is in fact a compliment to be stolen from. I’ve had my art taken many times. And you know what? Now I appreciate it. Some art, I’ve lost access to forever, and I’m glad people made a copy of. Because in a fit of despair I deleted it all; and now I think, “what was so horrible about my art that I had to delete it?”

From as young as 10 I was “stolen from” ideas and art wise with people copying me. And as I grew older, I actually YEARNED to be stolen from because “that would mean I had something worth stealing.” I would purposefully NOT watermark nor sign my art hoping it would get stolen from! (It didn’t happen because of other beliefs, like having such hideous faces no one would want to steal from me because I was hideous IRL and thus all leading to the surgery)

Why did I end up on this whole rant about that..

What a way to start the month

Anyway… on poor sleep days, I set a protocol where I wouldn’t put any expectations on myself. I would “celebrate” bad sleep days by allowing myself to order chicken wings and sushi. Oh gosh, you should’ve seen it today, YET ANOTHER uber drive brought his gf to work. I don’t get it. Why are women so insecure! Maybe I’ve become SO INSECURE that I’ve gone full circle. I don’t think I deserve ANYTHING anymore, I’m a piece of shit artist, I would love to care about people taking my work, I would love to worry that people would take my partner from me. I AM JUST NUMB OKAY JUST NUMB. And angry and irritable. I just want to breathe. I just want to sleep.

So anyway, that was today; and in my protocol, I’m allowed to be as degenerate as I want, indulging in NSFW art and content. But everything I drew came out bad, so I just watched shows all day. I don’t know how I feel about that… but I chose not to feel guilty any more. If I’m realy not in control of bad sleep days (which I am not, I tried to sleep at 3am but couldn’t fall asleep until closer to 5am, despite “doing everything right” timing my meals and exercise and everything)

I have a bad habit where if I have a good dea, I want to work as much as possible in it, because “who knows when I’ll have time to work on what I want again” and it ends up jazzing me up too much to sleep at night, despite finally feeling satisfied – but also, if I don’t work enough, I feel so guilty I can’t sleep. I never win. It’s just so much stress. That’s why I wanted to get my habit tracker up ASAP so I can force myself to meditate regularly. It’s been TOO LONG.

But yeah.. that was my day. Just watching a lot of shows, STILL pushing myself to work on a json parser to now switch between habits on my calendar… so yeah. I actually feel a haughty bit of pride, that wow, I am building cool things, I have a to-do list a million miles long – AND I AM SO SICK. I am not stopping. I feel anger and resentment at people with perfectly good health and just “wasting” their lives. I feel like if I really die in 1 or 2 years, I want to go out with a bang, I don’t want any regrets, I want to make all the art and coding I can do in this lifetime. It really feels that dire. Especially on days of bad sleep

Anyway blog, thank you for listening.